A Nagging Suspicion, Grasping Faith

Monday, December 29, 2008 at 10:50am


A Statement: We do not choose to be born into our family and yet we love them completely.

We unfailingly love our parents no matter what their failings or excesses are. They may hurt us to the brink of extinction and we may choose not to speak to them; yet when asked, we would move heaven and hell to go to them.

We automatically love our siblings no matter how far they end up living or how estranged we are from them as we grow up. Without a doubt we would entrust the very lives of our own children into their care.

A Nagging Suspicion: I suspect a similar condition occurs when we meet the person we are meant to spend the rest of our lives with.

We will unfailingly love this person--no matter what their faults or sins are. This person will swing us to both ends of the spectrum by showing us the heights and depths of love and hate. We may be separated from them by years, by circumstance, by physical space, or even by choice--yet fate will always have them come back or have us go back to them.

Fate will set the stage for us to be tested; we will be scrutinized by blinding stage lights and be laid bare for all to see. Fate will make sure that this person will be in the current act or waiting in the wings or maybe even be in the audience. Will we recognize them in time?

Grasping Faith: I share this suspicion with you that you may be comforted. Our parents do their best to protect us from ourselves growing up and they reason that they do not want us to make the same mistakes. Our siblings advise us to the contrary because they want to protect our hearts. Our family only but wants us to stand on their shoulders so we can see farther and clearer towards this person we are meant to be. This person we are meant to be family with.

I urge you to hold on as I have. It is not the perfection of the performance that is important. We will miss our cues, trip on stage, and even forget our lines. What is important is that while we are on stage we sing and dance our hearts out. She will be there.

29 December 2008

Unfettering: Shaking The Earth

Unfettering: Shaking The Earth

Monday, December 29, 2008 at 2:43am

When we truly let go of that which holds us back,
Then we can start to shake the earth.
For many, that which hinders us,
Is but a decision.

After Silence

I was so proud of you before,
You had learned how to say sorry.
In front of many, you had confronted your fears.
You had overcome your self.

Then things went awry.
Things always come around full circle.

What matters is what we do with with it--when it does come around.
Whether we make the same mistakes,
Or whether we take courage and reach out in humility, or even more simply
Out of acceptance.

The kind of acceptance that doesn't judge or assume,
The kind that accepts for good or bad.

That kind of courage that we see in children.
When they are hurt they cry out.
When they are happy they share their joy.

That kind of humility we find in our elders.
When in doubt they ask.
Or, they hold their silence until ready.

What matters is we live without carrying the weight
Of the mistakes and failures we had to make
To grow into that acceptance, that strength to say sorry.
That letting go of the self.

I was so proud of you before.
And I say to you that things will continue to come around full circle.
What matters, is whose hands, you hold when it does.

06 September 2008

Acknowledging What Is and What Was

The shift from indifference born out of choice to a need for awareness birthed by an admission of what is essential is always difficult.

The gravity lies in cherishing 'now' as opposed to living in the 'then.'

Slingshot

Will you shoot down the stars;
Riddle the galaxies with cheese holes?

Will you shout against the deafening sea;
Push back the salty waves?

Will you rage against the dying light;
And laugh in the long tunnel?

Will you wage war against dead laws;
Defy so that you can truly live?

On and on, going like an Energizer Bunny--
Will, will, will, that's all you'll ever need.
I know you can. Willpower and Faith--
Together and greater than any seed.
As Man and Woman.

An Atomic Slingshot, that's what we are!
The only real thing in a world of Symbols;
The only electric pair in a negative place.

Isn't it funny now, when you dream you smile?
For this is the Real Thing--A Nuclear Love.

--
1996

Reading Hesse

My insider's voice seeks the indifferent lights:

The call of quieter things heeded,
The scent of farther flowers felt,
And the sight of silent songs shimmering.

My inner blood has risen:

To pulse and flow with quiet grace--
Unknown powers bequeathed by strange times.

The littlest emotion doubled ten times over,
The slightest touch an important story,
And the faintest color a bigger rainbow.

My inner song now breaking the dawn:

--
1996

Love Is A Fickle Color

Love is a fickle color
Turned grey in a moment's notice.
It used to be a rainbow,
Strong enough to bridge black nights.
It used to shine and glow.

Love is a color made clear,
By selfish stories and lies.
Really a charcoal black behind the board,
A dirty white under a red heart,
A colorful soul now shaded grey.
Like memories muddled into a muddy yellow

Love used to be a climbing rainbow-
And white and black beautiful colors.
Now love is a color commonly found
In the beating of a dead grey heart.

--
1996

To Light A Candle

For you this Shining Light
Leaping in the silent darkness,
Glowing in the one night.

For you, to ease the loneliness,
Hidden tears and pain,
Sleeping alone in the darkness.

For you, shelter from cold rain-
Warmth and Light,
To break and shatter our chain.

For you, this Shining Light
Fighting the silent darkness,
Waiting for that one night.

--
1996

Alcyone Notes

Can you tell me the way up?
Can you show me what three words can do?
Will you hold me tight, do you have to go?
Will you touch my lips, do you have to stop?
Now I know,
Now you know.
Will you stand with me?
I question because I am afraid.
When you leave will you think of me?
Will this vast blue distance lessen your love?
What do you seek? No oracle is needed.
You are all that I know, what more is there to ask?
We know and yet we are afraid.
Is this childish, is this False?
I only know it to be true.
At night I dream of you, no, I try.
I have had you and I want your warmth.
When will you come back?
When will we face this together?
I will not wait for some god's hooded message,
Nor a saddened ghost.
What is this distance?
I know together we can face
Alone we both die.
Now you know how I feel
Will you stay with me?
I ask and question through this distance
For I am afraid.
Do you still look at the same moon,
Bright and shining through the night?
Do you whisper my name and your love
While away?
Will you still love me
Through that open door
That vast distance?
I do not know
For I am afraid.

--
1996

She Walks In Moonlight, 1996

She walks in moonlight,
Flickering shadows with every step.
Her fragile beauty a rare sight,
For shimmering stars fast asleep.

Wake! Wake! Her beauty rides the night-
Brighten every star, affix every color!

Turn on those hidden planets, brighten now.
Lose your dreams of shadowed sadness
For here is beauty, here is quiet gladness;
With every step iridescent rainbows grow.

Wake! Wake! Her beauty rides the night-
The one comet lady who walks in moonlight.


Comm.1 under Aileen Salonga, 2nd Sem. 1996

I Wonder

Where do you begin when you have left off halfway? At the beginning? Haruu (Think Scooby Doo).

Lessons I Have Learned And Wish To Share

What are you born with?

• Nothing. You are born alone, but you are born with a soul, purpose, potential, and God in you.
• No name. Your name is given by your parents/primary caregivers but essentially you are nameless until you start defining that which was given.

What do you take with you when you die?

• Nothing. You die alone, but you take with you-your soul, your purpose, your actualized potentials, and the God in you.
• You take yourself, your name, the Word that is you, the sum of your experience.

So what do you do while you are alive?

• Learn
• Love
• Decide
  
• Commit to Cherish

Why is important to actualize while you are alive?

• There is an unseen war wherein you must decide.
• You may have had that choice made for you, or you may have unconsciously sided already.

Swimming

Isn't this whole Phelps quest for 8 olympic golds wonderful?
http://sports.inquirer.net/inquirersports/inquirersports/view/20080812-154077/Phelps-on-track-for-Olympic-gold-dream

Olympic journeyman John Lezak's push was pretty cool as well!
http://sports.inquirer.net/breakingnews/breakingnews/view/20080812-154074/Phelps-gold-quest-2-down-6-to-go

Here's what really rocked my boat though,
http://www.iht.com/articles/ap/2008/08/11/sports/OLY-SWM-Hansens-Flop.php

To think I used to do a 1.16 or so.

Bad Poetry

Something you have to be extremely, extremely careful about.
There's a malicious purity to the internet that you cannot discount.
Knowing her. I am anticipating something fierce.

Milking It.

I find the walking to be fraught with stories. Subplots along the way that chapter my life with commas and exclamations of diverse and opportune moments.

I see that this walk will take a novel path.

Matching the Emptiness

feel empty.

but that means you have a huge space to fill then, day by day. you take each happy/memorable moment from each day and you shore up the walls of your inside heart.

you choose the colorful ones to keep it a mosaic of lolmemories.

Am actually depressed too, but then I catch my breath and remember to pray or at least put myself in a state of prayer where my heart matches the beat of a small prayer yearning for clarity and humility--the strength to walk with light.

At times we feel empty because the dark permeates our field of vision...that field being the path we set out on when we were born. If you look back over your shoulder carefully you will see lights that you have affixed along the way. These lights are signposts built from memories and achievements. Looking forward, everything does seem dark and bleak--but if you stop to take a long breath, you will notice a light in the distance.

The analogy of living daily as compared to a journey is cliche, it is mundane. Yet, how else can small beings like us (who as we grow along, actually become huge to match our hearts--if we grow right), see what is really there?

Not a path, but a flowing towards the All. If (Wo)Man could really see, then maybe our skin would be aflame and our eyes bright and golden from beauty. Our hair would be bleached to
a lame brilliance, our hearts would beat with light.

If we could really see, which is why we are given life, then we will be living lights for others. Then the emptiness will not matter. For in that emptiness, when looked through love, we see light. We have no other choice but to do so, we are fated to love.

CISV

I've started a personal project to look for all the people I went to camp with. CISV Barr, France 1988 (Strasbourg). Lets see what happens. I've found one of the Leaders, Herman B. Oudine is safely tucked in my Facebook account. Let's see if I can find Heidi Kragesteen.

From My Old Poetry Blog "Grover Once Flew"

Friday, March 30, 2007

Untitled

I look for you in frail dreams,
The days have been so bright with you by my side.
I call to you in my lonely sleep,
With you dreams come alive.

I see now that a part of me is forever lost--
But when I look at you I know that I am found.

Thank you for coming into my life. Either way;
No matter what happens my dreams have come true
With you.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Untitled

Trick me into falling to fly.
Tame me and tie me down,
My heart is wild and my hair
Is strewn with Ivy.
I run towards the never ending night.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Have you seen the shape of my heart?

What other people know varies from what we share together behind closed doors. The days pass. The light fades. Explosions rip us apart. So what it is it that was shared that still remains behind closed doors--but a decision? A warning to those that may tear us asunder. That the time spent in quiet is enough. That in that home built day by day...the walls were made of humility. That the floors were cast with care. That the roof was built to shelter us from the storm. What other people say makes no sense. What other people do is their own business. What matters is this. That one can always come home and know they are safe.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Untitled

The difference between light and dark is sealed with a kiss.
The clarity found within humility-- is a child of contradiction's embrace.
With words we betray, the deeper part of us,
That should be kept secret and quiet.
This then, is the siren song of freedom.
This then is the unquiet of choice.
Contradiction's daughter has wed humanity's child.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

You know what would be sweet?
If I could wake you up every morning
With a hug and kiss you good night on the forehead
Every time you lie down to sleep.
Dream with me.

--

I walk not feeling the dust
Nor the stones strewn along the path,
For I know I am walking towards you.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

But my heart is good and my writing so clear...

That I see beneath colors
And gaze at the sky each morning
Knowing full well that today is the day I meet her

That this night I will hear her speak to my heart.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Know when to allow yourself to fall.
The moment the light hits the floor,
Pick it up and start running.

You never know when it will stop,
You never know how far you'll get.

Take the light with you and run.
Know that time will see it through,
Gather and start the run.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

I wonder if the silence will ever cease
If either one will take a chance
If either one will be unafraid to soar

Monday, January 29, 2007

Lust is a leech
Crawling in your belly, Pulling itself up every
So slowly, till it grasps your heart
Till you're slick with jealousy.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

We see and yet we do not recognize that in another's smile we share the beating of the universe and the longing for eternity's promise.

The Quiet At Noon

You are precious despite the confusion that surrounds me.
Believe in me when I say, I will be there for you.

You are my North Star, my evening's rest.
You are Dawn's embrace, my gentle wakening.

My son, within you is the seed of greatness,
Within you is the heart of a warrior.
A Warrior for the Light.
A Beacon in the Dark.

My son, you are my bastion of innocence,
You carry with you my hopes and aspirations.

Trust in me to pave the way for you.
Let me carry you through the mist
Until my feet fail and my breath leaves.
For you I brave the unquiet.

My son, the time is near,
But I, I will never leave you.

In the passing of days we see the unfolding of Light.
The becalming of rage and of unquiet.
In the passing of days we see the unfolding of His mystery.

In truth, Time, is another word for Faith.
And when all the walls have been swept away,
His will, Will be done.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

The wherewithal to know the difference.
Keeping integrity despite misconceptions,
Many many people only see what they want
Many many women only cry when touched.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Doves cry where there is naught.

Monday, December 18, 2006

what is love
that between a man and a woman?
precious and true--to grow from scratch
promises
meeting
testing
seeing time for what it really is.
I see it in movies,
in books, in the walking.

In between tears I see it.
where is peace?
love, is a disappearing act.
visiting hearts,
relationships,
toward the lighting of candles
toward the quiet sleep, hands held.

thank you
tonight
tomorrow
'til time slows down.

the music though, will never stop.

08October2003

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

I light the path tonight with an offering of trust,
A semblance of order and chanted prayer.
I burn the myrrh before we walk
And cast salt to sinister.

I am shod in new straw sandals,
Though I carry an umbrella of sorrow.

These things balance out the coming walk.
Forsooth, we have waited too long to set out,
And preparations are for naught.
For dawn has come and burnt my skin.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Waxen

Anthuriums are a delight.
Waxy hearts aflutter
Yellow souls straining to sun.

We say many things,
That hearts collide when fear meets desire.
That lying is but another face of the truth.

There are so many reasons and ways,
To trick the soul into seeing something else.
Into believing that a heart is a substitute for
A pain unremembered.

Truly, it takes one to talk another's fear into place.
And another to create a need for urgency.
The combination of the two though,
Is deafening.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Divided, the merchants that run this enterprise.
A ship of fools and a caravan of vagabonds.
Trinkets and geegaws for trade.
Not for sale they say. Not for sale.
The only commerce here, is in souls.

Friday, December 8, 2006

For he will see the earth,
Like a prophet's son, striding the desert.

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

Trick me into flying,
Its been far too long since September.
Haven't we done everything right?

Tell me where to fall off and what to skip,
Cause i've hung them out to dry,
My wings of wax are brittle with age.

Monday, December 4, 2006

Sati
Immolate me.
This life has grown weary without him-
The sun a dull disc,the days a dim memory,
There is only ash to eat.

Sunday, December 3, 2006

Right now i see with stephen dedalus' heart and await the burning,
the deadly inertia that follows.

--

For after this silence she has blossomed into some kind of monster

Friday, December 1, 2006

You are a sigh in the wind,
The scent of fall in the morning mist,
The cry of a dove at sunset.

The promise of dawn
And midnight's release.

I am truly loved.
Does the rain and sky not show me,
Clothed in mist and garbed in gray?

I am the patient celestial,
In the dusk and twilight of yesterday,
Cocooned in silver and gold

These things come with time.
The gliding of moons and passing of suns,
These jeweled moments.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Trade me in for a lark
I'm sure you'll get twice that
For the penny, for the pound.

Twist off the accessories
The shiny paper, Discard.
The picture on the side, Ignore.
Discard that white tag.

Always something better--
In every cereal box of desire.
Plastic fun for everyone.

I hear a humming,
A throbbing of minutes to hours.
Perchance, to find a process
Of happiness in numbers.

These are my symbols

The crying child
The waking moon
Water falling
Rain finding its way
The passing of days
And trickling of hours
A quality of light
The caressing
Numbers to count
The first son
The woman behind
Under the sun
And over the moon

They say art imitates life.
We are clearly mistaken.
Life imitates art.

4 am

Under velvet and sin
I see nothing but jealousy
Beneath neon and grim
The walker sees all.

Trimming fat with glee
This walking leaves me restless
Finds me unquiet
Needing crimson before light.

I keep the witching hour clean
With burnt offerings
An empty stomach
An even emptier soul.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

We Hate The Ones We Love

Comments under breath,
Gnashing teeth at the very thought
Of missing words, Deliberate

This game ruthless people play,
Liberate, the unsaid sound
Pictures with different heads and hands

Moments that we take for granted,
Bite your tongue at the very thought
Of lost parts and missing things

Monday, November 27, 2006

Tricky Me

I dance to the man's music.
He does not see me flash
The mad, mad grin of insolence.

I wear placards of pasteboard,
Their movements keep me in line.
Heavy with glitter, they keep me safe,
From dwelling, from prying.

The questions glisten like dew,

A staccato grin here and there.

Keeping my fingers crossed,

Geppeto couldn't care less.

You see the question is,

(Always has been)

Are you my Blue Fairy?

Farther Than Signposts

You travel very far.

Farther than most, just to see me cry.
Closer than sin, keeping me company in difficulty.
Tripping against the day the walls fall.
Caressing the little stones we've broken down.
Breaching the tide of naught, the crimson belly of silt.
Footprints pushed down, pushing us up.

Are you weary? Rest your head on my arm.
Here. Let me cradle you in my heart.
It may be yet another day,
The signposts still have to grow.

Let me walk with you.

Seven Steps

The first we take with infinitesimal care,
Slowly, slowly seeking out breaths.

The second we take dying inside,
having spent it all and found it wanting

At the next, we stop to look at the light-
Flashing prettily, blinded by reason's calling.

After that we shake it off,
Inhale and exhale, rushing to the beating of a heart.

The fifth one dizzies us with fear,
Stymies us with jagged reflections of future days come.

The sixth we take with hope and trepidation,
Stepping to godforsaken joy. Seven ways down.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Untitled

Under the sun
Over the moon

Talking about nothing and everything at all

We take it a step farther than most

Every time

On the top of a hill
Every time

Past the night into day.

Monday, November 20, 2006

A Litany For Safekeeping

Keep me secret, keep me safe. This time around I want to let go.
Take me places I thought I had lost--I want to let go.
Warm my pictures with your hands, I don't want them burned or forgotten.
Touch me whenever you see me, I want to remember the heat of your skin.
Tell my stories to water poured into a cup, drink it to keep them safe.
Dream of me at night, I will meet and kiss you there.
Keep my name on your lips, but only there, knowing you is enough.
Live each day with me, when I feel you, I feel alive.

Keep me secret, keep me safe. This time around I want to let go.
But, tell me when to stop, or else tell me no. You consume me every time we talk.

Untitled

I'm afraid you might catch me staring,
You may see the desire in my eyes.

I'm sure you see the delight in my voice,
The very thought of you makes me smile.

I want it slow. Just between us, a secret treasure.
I want it now. Just between us, a shared desire.

Untitled

Through quiet we see
(After meeting by chance)
The days flow into a single message.

With each sun, We feel
Friendship's warm advance.
Lines filling each page.

In truth--Today--I know
The freedom of having you
Sailing with me in stillness.

In truth--Now you know
The first page of a heart well kept
A vessel filled with light and rain.

Here then is the start of our story,
The beginning of Friendship

13nov2006

You couldn't write to save your life. Fucker.

I am in between places. Neither here nor there. I'm lost in familiar places. Its as if time has never moved. I feel so small, I feel like the years have passed by in a blink and have left me where I was then. Lost.

How do you start anew when everything in this world now is interconnected? Everything is online, everything is linked and hardwired towards finding you.

How do you start afresh when every page you say is a link to your past?

I write now because there is nothing left to do but.

Now

I hear chimes tinkling outside and little birds chirping and leaves rustling. I hear my heart's staccato pounding at the silence around me. I hear these things now more than ever.

I feel nothing.