Steadfast

You know how He said that you should be steadfast and true? Why is it then, that when you are, you are accused of being emotionless and that your speech is devoid of feeling? 


Why is it that when you choose to be strong in light of what you truly want to achieve, They become inconstant and wavering? 


You say my eyes can be empty, but you do not see that they reflect only yours and that they hold the world for you.  That these eyes see straight through to you and that they hold nothing but love.


When I was young, I was nothing but emotion. Now that I am a man, I choose to commit and to act.


You may say that love is a feeling.  I believe that love is a decision--that it is a choice.


Whatever happens from here on in. I will not waver from that which I have set my heart on nor will I ever forget my own reasons.


You asked me how I knew, I shrugged and said there are times when you just know and somewhere inside you irrevocably decide as you've recognized your other. You said it was the same for you.


Whatever challenges this day brings, I tell you, I remain steadfast and true.  I show you, that I love you.

Coral: This was one of my favorite fairy tales when I was a small boy. In the introduction, the narrator enthuses: 


     "All the soldiers looked exactly alike except one. He looked a little different as he had been cast last of all. The tin was short, so he had only one leg. But there he stood, as steady on one leg as any of the other soldiers on their two. But just you see, he'll be the remarkable one."


Be steadfast and true when you find her. It will see you through.

Firsts: 2 Goals and A Downpour

25 April 2009, Ateneo Football Center

After handing you water and telling you not to wipe off the sweat, you walked off to score your first 2 goals.

The first one was picture perfect just like we practiced at the park in the afternoon rain. The second one was a blur. The coaches started cheering you on after that. They immediately moved you up from being a fullback to a striker.

Appearances can be deceiving; we both know better. Your heart is bigger than anyone I know. Don't worry you'll lose the weight. Don't worry I will never forget today.

Every goal you make will be a step for me towards heaven.


Game stopped due to inclement weather, 3-3.

Essays On Forgiveness: When Is Enough?

"How long 'til my soul gets it right, can any human being ever reach that kind of light?"

-Galileo, Indigo Girls

The capacity to endure seems to be directly proportional to the capacity for suffering. One Psychology lesson I remember very clearly is that pain is a personal thing. That, people suffer pain differently and individually. A pinprick for one person may be anguish for another. Does it follow then that the capacity for feeling or sustaining 'love' is the same? I conjecture to link the two concepts.

This scenario was placed before me in the past in discussion to which type of relationship scenario is optimal:

A) You love the other person more than they love you,
B) The other person loves you more than you love them,
C) Or the above choices are re-stated but according to sex (e.g. boy loves girl more than girl loves boy).

Link this with the terms: endure, suffer, sustain, and feeling and you'll be in a virtual quagmire. Based on experience, I think the whole thing stinks. Being philosophical about who loves who more and who can handle who's crap more so, is akin to arguing who gets which chicken part come carving time. You should be happy about getting any chicken at all in the first place.

I may be able to endure more pain because of what you put me through and you may know it--but so what? It still hurts. You may have shown more love in the past--but so what? Are you showing it now? While it may be important to understand that the person is in pain and it may be of value to acquiesce and leave them be--what about the fact that time does not stop? Those days wasted arguing or regretting back and forth should have instead been spent in striving for something better. In the same way, internally fretting about who loves who more is time better spent praying for that person's health and well-being don't you think?

Is it really about who has the capacity to love more and then whether it should be the man or the woman who is more enduring or long suffering? Are these plus points in heaven? No, they are not.

If you believe in reincarnation then you will have an eternity to get it right. What a waste of time that would be. Don't you agree? Clarity comes from acceptance. The acceptance that when you are in a relationship your own love will be tested. And with that acceptance must come the humility to offer it up--no matter what happens next.

Blaming W.B. Yeats

IBH English taught me to love Yeats' poetry. It taught me many things truth be known. Today I am tortured by having learned of Yeats; having learned and accepted his theory of cycles.

Today a dreaded cycle has seem to have insidiously returned. For again, I am waiting in silence. This silence is not deafening though, this time around, it is accompanied by the dripping of blood.

Yet again, a slouching beast returns to be birthed.

Renewal: Choosing Not To Be Affected

My cousin messaged me the other day in reply to an admission of weakness, "you can choose not to be affected."

How apt; can we truly decide what we feel or what we are affected by? Is it not the very acceptance of our emotions that provide testament to who we are as people? Driven to act and react, to react and act? Then again, as Shakespeare's plays show, these very emotions are exactly what give rise to plot, to tragedy and to drama. They power his simulacra of life.

Who do we choose to be in this life? Prospero? Ariel? Or Caliban? A man come into his power, a powerful spirit entrapped yet obedient, or a monster capable of beautiful speech? This Tempest called life.

"The Tempest" shows us the unforgiving power that choice gives and how lack of it imprisons even the most powerful. The first, being Prospero and the becoming of his life. The second being Ariel and a quest for freedom. Can even the very worst of us find redemption at the penultimate hour like Caliban? I wonder. Did Caliban even have a choice or was he but a creature of his own emotions? His own desires? To which persona do we swing towards? I would rule out Ariel I think. Emotional impotence is not something many of us have the luxury of. A fool of a monster or a fool of a man? What a choice.

In truth it seems that no one is innocent. There are no Ferdinands or Mirandas in this world. You may think you are her prince but then the curtains unfold on now and show you a different result. There are no supporting actors' masks we can slip into. We must act in the main or we are of the walking dead.

Strangely enough, we can muse all we want but not even so great a play can hold a mirror up to our own lives. In our own realities our emotions shake the very universe. The very acts and scenes that comprise our lives are inexorably powered by action and reaction brought out by emotion.

What if there is no Prospero, no Ariel, or even no Caliban? No expectant shoes to fill? What if there is no play to begin with? No unknown audience to view? Perhaps we can choose not to put one on in the first place, but then, in that case that would just be waiting for our lives to begin.

I have so many questions at this point and I veil my unease by pointing out a play whose very power lies in its absurdity of emotion. I know I have been both Prospero and Caliban but more so,

I am Tempest.

A Nagging Suspicion, Grasping Faith

Monday, December 29, 2008 at 10:50am


A Statement: We do not choose to be born into our family and yet we love them completely.

We unfailingly love our parents no matter what their failings or excesses are. They may hurt us to the brink of extinction and we may choose not to speak to them; yet when asked, we would move heaven and hell to go to them.

We automatically love our siblings no matter how far they end up living or how estranged we are from them as we grow up. Without a doubt we would entrust the very lives of our own children into their care.

A Nagging Suspicion: I suspect a similar condition occurs when we meet the person we are meant to spend the rest of our lives with.

We will unfailingly love this person--no matter what their faults or sins are. This person will swing us to both ends of the spectrum by showing us the heights and depths of love and hate. We may be separated from them by years, by circumstance, by physical space, or even by choice--yet fate will always have them come back or have us go back to them.

Fate will set the stage for us to be tested; we will be scrutinized by blinding stage lights and be laid bare for all to see. Fate will make sure that this person will be in the current act or waiting in the wings or maybe even be in the audience. Will we recognize them in time?

Grasping Faith: I share this suspicion with you that you may be comforted. Our parents do their best to protect us from ourselves growing up and they reason that they do not want us to make the same mistakes. Our siblings advise us to the contrary because they want to protect our hearts. Our family only but wants us to stand on their shoulders so we can see farther and clearer towards this person we are meant to be. This person we are meant to be family with.

I urge you to hold on as I have. It is not the perfection of the performance that is important. We will miss our cues, trip on stage, and even forget our lines. What is important is that while we are on stage we sing and dance our hearts out. She will be there.

29 December 2008