Square Knots and Now

When you know more than you should, what do you do?


Do you keep quiet knowing that it may destroy you? Or do you kneel and pray when it hits you without mercy--without warning?  Vince says that these are intrusions and that in the end they are not yours to deal with but theirs. What then?  How do you keep the music playing?  Is prayer enough when the walls around you are crashing and no one else notices when you scream?  How do you make sure that the music moves towards denouement?


Who will unravel this for me if not myself? Relief work has consisted mostly of repacking and carrying. Somewhere down the line I realized I could help make things more efficient. So I took time out to teach others how to tie square knots when completing the relief bags. Many listened and things worked out faster then before--no more messy knots and goods slipping out. I showed them how when you follow a pattern: right over left, then left over right, and then pull on both ends, that you create something that works.

I learned how to make that knot because someone, Mamita actually, invested time in me to go through Boy Scouts of America.  From Cub to Life, she drove me to den meetings and council meetings; she made sure I had the uniforms and equipment.  She gave me my first Swiss knife just so you know. Pappi gave me one as well, a Swiss Champ, complete with messages he scribed himself onto the blades but that was much, much later.  Mamita was there to sew the badges. She was there to take the pictures.  Pappi helped me with that Pinewood Derby Car that you see in the sala (the camouflage one) but it was Mamita who ordered it through the APO. Bottom line, I think, is that when I remember my experience with Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts, it's her insistence that I always had Welch's grape juice for camping trips that makes me smile.


She knew what was important and through the years she knew more than she was supposed to. And yet, she still comes back. She still makes sure there is enough and that when truly needed, things are acted upon. She's understood the need for good knots, I guess. Wow, after almost 20 years of fighting and talking back to her, I've finally realized that I have the best mom in the world.


What about Pappi? That's interesting too, actually. When I think about it, it was Mamita who was always practical and who always made plans but it was Pappi who knew what to do when emergencies struck. When Pinatubo and the earthquake happened in the 90's--he was the one who acted.  Mamita crushed us to her chest but it was Pappi who made sure we were out and safe.  Whenever it flooded in the old house, he would be out making sure the roofs were fine and the second floor terrace wouldn't turn into a swimming pool (which it had a propensity to become). When the Lumber and Hardware store burned, he was the first one to assess.  Last year, a little before Christmas, when I got really sick and was asphyxiating and paralyzed from Tonsillitis he was the one who took me to Medical City. There you go, after almost 20 years of hating him, I see that despite his failings he is someone I will never turn my back on.  More so now, that I have made new choices and have stuck my guns to them.


I'm rambling, trying to make sense and connect the events of the past few days--both external and internal. I said this rain has changed everything, I see it is true for many people.


I learned from the BSA guidebook, which I still have and have kept for you (complete with Mamita's sign off on the parent's signature parts), that this is the best knot to know. As you pull on the finished ends it holds tight and true and yet you can allow it to have give so it can be adjusted. This is a good knot.


This is the same knot I've used over the years when I chose The Way. From white, to green, to brown, then to black--this is the knot that held my center down.  The belts would fray and fade over time, but the knot held true. The colors and stripes have changed, but the center remains true.


I guess that's what you do when you know more than you should then.  You take a deep breath, and you move with the strength that your parents built into you while growing up. Whether one parent spent more time with you than the other--what is important is you hold on to the fact that you are loved more than anything else.  You will see later on that there is truly no school to learn how to be a good parent but that is hurdle compared to bonds that cannot be broken. That is part of the fraying and the fading. The knots hold true though.  You have a good core.  We are blessed that you have the gift of joy in you.  Hold fast to that. When things get tough, remain true. Repetition worked? Good.


At this point I've come unraveled a bit, to be honest.  I know much more than I should and I think too much. I've worried needlessly. Typhoon Ondoy/Ketsana came and went. I've gone out to help--with my best friend and on my own. I've seen how true it is when Tito BQ said that you can choose how you feel and how you are affected.  I don't regret the sore back and muscles nor things that I've shared nor the choices I've made. The benefit is I got to sweat out indolence anyway. Well, that and other things.


I write this entry to align the bonds.  I always quote Jane Sibbery that, "it can't rain all the time," but accept that it can't be 'sunshiney' all year either.  I write this entry to add to the length of square knots that have made up my life. I write this entry to reaffirm the gift that my own parents bequeathed me, that of passion.


I take this time out to center myself and I follow your lead as well. Joy is good. Sometimes passion drowns. If you keep both close though, I have a feeling it will work out.  I banish fear then. I choose joy. I choose now where to direct passion.  I pull to me the threads that have come loose and reweave the tapestry of music. Wait. That was verbose. Here then:


Even when it floods know that your knots will hold true. You know the Boy Scout motto yourself: Be prepared. Sometimes it doesn't work out so well, so add this then to that.  Be true.


High five Coral.